Feeling Quite Deprived...and Tempted :-(

I must take a quick moment to COMPLAIN about the trials and temptations I've already had to endure on this new diet plan. This does not happen to most people. I'm only on day 4 of this miserable existence. 1200 calories a day? A small creature would starve to death on so little food. Why couldn't I have been one of those people who eats what they want and stays at the same weight? They do exist. I'm just not one of them.


Here's the TORTURE I've had to endure so far in this short 72+ hours:


1. Saturday: My mom made a homemade chocolate cake with cocoa fudge frosting and then brought the whole thing to my house. It has been sitting on the counter calling my name all this time. It looks and smells SO GOOD....


2. Saturday night: My fault, I guess. I picked up a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for the kids and had to stare at them for 2 days. And then I had to smell and hold them for repackaging into airtight baggies. Boy they smell good! If they had been pumpkin spice, my diet would've been history.


3. Sunday early afternoon: I had to stop at the bakery thrift store to get desserts for the social, and I wandered...tummy rumbling...through the aisles, staring longingly at ENTEMANN'S donuts, cinnamon bread, and chocolate chip cookies.


4. Sunday mid-afternoon: I had to be IN CHARGE of the neighborhood dessert social on Sunday. This involved talking to the caterer, who explained each choice in great detail...
I then had to help display and serve fudgy brownies, butterscotch blondies, chocolate and other assorted cookies, apple pastries, and pumpkin muffins, a favorite of mine.


5. Later Sunday afternoon: My daughters brought home goodies from the social, as did I. (I had to save some for our church gathering.) They proceeded to eat them in front of me.


6. Sunday early evening: I had to take the leftover goodie tray and recut and assemble the treats so they looked presentable for our church gathering. Now I am touching and smelling the treats!


7. Sunday evening: Now we are on our way to the church social, where a huge buffet of sandwich fixins and chips are spread all over the entire kitchen....and a dessert line in the dining room, with red velvet cake, Texas Sheetcake (more chocolate!), and other temptations await. Grrrrr.


8. Monday afternoon: My daughter's pumpkin muffin is confiscated and consumed by my UNDERWEIGHT husband. She is upset, of course....so, she asks to make pumpkin bread. I give in. 2 loaves and 12 muffins come out of the oven....chocolate chip pecan pumpkin bread...mmmmmm.....the aroma drifts throughout the house. Now the pumpkin things are sitting around with the chocolate cake, calling to me every minute of the day.


9. Monday night: My entire family (except me, of course - I'm an alien and not permitted to behave like everyone else) is enjoying warm pumpkin bread and chocolate cake IN FRONT OF ME!!!!


10. Tuesday morning: I have already been to the gym and am ready for breakfast, but have to do office work for my husband before he leaves for the day. So, I am downstairs, trying to concentrate at my desk over the rumbling sounds coming from my stomach. Was that thunder? I don't remember the weatherman predicting rain for today....When I come upstairs, my husband has brought home cookies, muffins, and cinnamon crunch bagels from Panera Bread for the kids. He says this is because he feels badly about confiscating the muffin on Monday. I say I can't believe this because he NEVER stops to get anything like this until now...the first week of my diet!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?


11. At noon on Tuesday, I am eating green beans and 1/2 of a wimpy turkey burger, while chocolate cake, pumpkin bread, and Panera Bread bakery items are all over any available counter space in my kitchen!


Now, tell me...what are the odds of one person having to endure this much temptation and torture in just 4 days of a diet? This is unreal.

Back on the Wagon Part 1

Well, here I am again.

I am blogging my thoughts because, this morning, I am very ANGRY.

I have gradually put back on about 15 pounds over the last year.

I have continued to watch my food (although not as methodically) and exercise, but it has stopped working.

I am ANGRY because I gained weight.

I am ANGRY because I want to be able to eat what I like and ENJOY life without having to constantly worry about this. I am TIRED and WEARY of this process.

My whole life....every minute....is interfered with by this annoying dark cloud that hangs over me. I HATE IT.

I am ANGRY because I cannot seem to do it by myself. It's like I need a babysitter or something. I am ANGRY because I had to go to a diet center yesterday to see if they can help me. I am ANGRY because I have to PAY SOMEONE ELSE MY HARD-EARNED CASH just so I can lose weight. This is STUPID. Maybe I am STUPID since I cannot take my own advice and apply it to weight loss.

I told the counselor I wanted to start today, and now I want chocolate. There is no chocolate or peanut butter in the loss segment of the plan. I will probably DIE.

I woke up this morning, irritable and crabby because I am supposed to start today, and now I don't want to.

I'm doing everything I promised myself I wouldn't:

1. Paying to lose weight

2. Taking someone else's advice instead of my own

3. Taking supplements to aid my loss

4. Eating things I don't want to because I'm supposed to

5. Not eating things I want to because I'm not supposed to

Why don't calorie counts work? Is it the balance?

We shall see. But I am still very ANGRY.

Did I Fall Off the Wagon?

Well, I have no idea where I went wrong. I have continued to exercise...and even started jogging about 3 months ago.

I started with 30 seconds at a time. That's how hard it was.

I have worked my way up to 35-40 minutes at a time.

But has it helped my weight loss?

Not on your life!

In fact, I've GAINED 7 pounds and 12 inches since March!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unbelieveable.

I feel healthy and strong. I eat right.

No sodas, no fast food, no red meat, no alcohol.

Cardio AND weight training.

Lots of green tea, which is supposed to aid in boosting metabolism. NOT.

It probably works for everyone on the planet except me.

I try all these exercises...change it up...doesn't matter or make any difference.

I have started logging my diet and exercise on www.prevention.com/myhealthtrackers to see if this will keep me accountable.

I am very frustrated and discouraged.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a little head on huge body. I feel like Tweedledum. Or is it Tweedledee? Whatever. Same shape.

I don't FEEL like an overweight person. BUT I AM!

I am about 30 pounds too heavy if I want to be in the healthy BMI range.

So, I've set a goal to be in the healthy range by Christmas Day.

This will be my present to myself.

And I won't even have to wrap it!

Well, it's been awhile. Hard to keep up with Facebook, Twitter, and everything else. Now that I've been selected as a featured dieter in USA Today's Weight Loss Challenge/Diet on a Dime feature (running March 30, 2009), I thought I should at least check in.

Weight still stuck. In fact, climbed a bit from November 08 through January, so I went back to really focusing on the food journal and workout routines. I had tried to scale back on the journal, figuring I had a good idea of serving sizes and such. Not.

Maybe I'm putting on muscle? Doubt that. FAT chance. (Good pun, huh? Or not very punny?...)

I've added interval training and more varied machines (treadclimber, rower, crossramp, ARC trainer, treadmill, elliptical) to my workout, plus more varied weight routines, including whole body movements (such as squat and press).

I've been tired quite a bit (from getting up too early, I assume...duh), but the early AM workout guarantees I'll actually get to go to the gym. If you'd ever told me I'd be working out before the sun even came up, I would've laughed in your face. But, there I am, every weekday, before the birdies are even up.

My food journal haunts and taunts me, waiting there on the table every morning when I wake up. I weigh myself when I return from the gym and write my weight next to the date. Then I put A LOT of MAD and SAD faces next to that. It just won't budge downward!

The large caboose following me around indicates that I certainly have NOT reached my goal, nor my "natural" weight. The excess flab in my tricep area and the chubby knees also indicate a potential for more loss of excess fat. I have pictures of myself that are in no way skinny, but they show at least a thinner me that must be in there somewhere!

So, I continue...and I will not give up...but I will never go a day without chocolate. :-) Cabinet is stocked with mint 3 Musketeers, mint M&Ms (hoarded from after-Christmas sales), Dove Promises, and other assorted goodies. Maybe if I ate ONLY chocolate, the weight would finally come off? Or, if they found a way to inject muscle-building protein into chocolate? Hmmmm...