Another Gripe (sorry...)

I am growing weary of fixing two meals every night.
One that I would LIKE to have, but for my family.
One for me that has 3 calories.

It is so hard to prep, cook, smell, and see the meals, not to mention having to watch everyone else enjoy them.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.......

I think I know now why I gain weight.  It has become very clear.
I am NOT a big eater, but I am a nibbler.
Fixing appropriate, nutritious meals with counted calories takes work and time.
I am often not afforded such time.  Therefore, I grab food here and there when I can.
Things you can just "grab" tend not to be the lowest in calories, I fear.

But I am sure now that this is why I continue to gain.  Unless I can find time every day to prepare, measure, count, cook, research, etc. a proper meal, I just grab and go.  And grab and go = pounds.

:-(

Broken Scale

Scale up .5 pound for 3 days in a row, so I was sure it would be back down today.
No way.
Instead, it's up another whole pound, on top of the .5 pound.  UNBELIEVEABLE.

This is what happens every time I diet/exercise.  Rolling along...no record-breaking weight loss...
but at least some minor progress...then BAM!  It either stops or goes back up.
I can't eat any less.  No way.
And I can't exercise more.  Already spending too much time doing that when I have other pressing
issues to attend to.
What's left?  Liposuction?  Amputation?

VERY ANGRY!!!!

The scale keeps going up.

I am very frustrated.
As hard as I've been working (diet and exercise both), more should be happening.

I need to amputate some large fatty parts of my body.
That should knock off about 10-20 pounds.

Scales are the Enemy

The scale was down 3 days in a row, and I thought this meant a break-through...

but it was back up today.

I'm surprised at how the inches don't seem to really be moving either.
My tummy certainly FEELS flatter.

I will NOT have my thighs rubbing together this summer, and that's final!!!!!

I WILL DO THIS!!!!

Nervous

Tomorrow is my weigh-in and measurement day.
This marks 4 weeks.
I am anxious and nervous.

Funny how I am intimidated by a scale and tape measure.
Numbers are everything.

Needing Accountability

No one really checks up on me.
Are you sticking with it?
Do you need an encouraging word?
Would you like a walking partner?
You look like you are losing weight.  Keep up the great work!

I'm in a lonely battle all by my lonesome.
Each day I wake up, and my first thought is "another day of starving...will I make it?"
I'm the only one who can decide if I will raid the potato chips or chocolate bags...or if I will stick to the half gallon of water and very little food.  When I look at my food log at the end of the day, I'm still surprised how little food is listed.  I can't believe how fast it adds up.
It's all up to me.  Every minute of every day, whether I will choose wisely or poorly.
I feel like the knight in the third Indiana Jones movie is standing in the kitchen waiting to say, "You have chosen poorly" or "you have chosen wisely".
I wonder if every choice is going to cause me to fall off the wagon, gain a pound, push me over the edge, or cause me to be even hungrier in the next hour.
I wish I didn't have to constantly focus on this.
How many calories do I have left?
If I eat this, will I have enough food later?
Do I really want this or that?
What is the best way to budget my food today?
How many glasses of water do I have left to force down?

There is nothing to look forward to.  I ENJOY good food.  And now I don't get to.

Yes, I am done griping.  And off to drink more water.  Bleh.

Dieting is Overrated

Complaint time.  Sorry.
My children (and husband) got Chick-fil-a tonight.  This is the THIRD time in 3 weeks I've had to sit in a closed-up van (it IS 36 degrees out, you know) with the wonderful smells of chicken strips and french fries wafting through the air.  Then they got THREE large peppermint chocolate chip milkshakes.  "Do you want some?" they keep asking.  YES!!!!   I want.   NO!!!!!  I can't.
NOT FAIR.
Why couldn't I be one of those people who can eat what they want to and not have to worry?
Always have to say "no" when I don't want to.
Never a point in my life where I could eat what I wanted.   Well, maybe when I was 2 months old.
It is my dream to not have to worry about "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips".  Forever?  That got that right.  I can't get anything off my hips that was once on my lips.

The Wagon

is still rolling down the road, and I am still on board!  

The cake looked WONDERFUL....3 layers of chocolate cake with peanut butter mousse between each layer...chocolate ganache on top and running down the sides.

But I only ate a bite or two.  

And now I'm heading out on another nordic walk.   

Chew, chew, chew....this gum, gum, gum.

Dreading Today - How Will I Make It Through?

Today is my husband's birthday.  

I am so thankful for him and all he is to me and our family.  

He is quite a unique and wonderful man.  

I want to make his day special, but I do not want to be tempted in the process.

He, unlike me, can eat about 10000 calories per day and not gain an ounce.  

He would love a country breakfast, lunch out, dinner out, and a big chocolate peanut-butter mousse cake (his favorite that I make).  

I would love all of this too.

However...today marks 3 weeks, so it's measurements and weigh-in day.  

Things looked pretty good this morning.  My fat pants actually feel a bit loose (whereas they led to a non-breathing state over the holidays), and the scale is down a tiny bit.  Looks like about 5 pounds.  (This, however, may not last, and usually does not. Scale fluctuations in this house must be affected by the atmosphere, gravity, the cycle of the moon, and who knows what else.  I could be up 3 pounds tomorrow morning, regardless.)  

Tape measure seems to indicate a total of about 7 inches.  I manage to track greater losses by measuring every spot possible, including my ear lobes.  The more spots measured, the more possibility of the inches adding up.  :-)

So, back to the problem.  How do I make Joe's birthday a happy one without making myself fall off the wagon?   If we go out, he will say, "Just enjoy it - one meal won't matter."   Of course, I will probably just choose not to eat, which I have done many times, and people look at you really funny.  I'd rather have NOTHING than to guess-timate calories and be wrong.  And I'd rather look weird than gain weight.  For me, eating out is not a temptation.  I feel rotten when I eat out, so the suffering afterward is never worth the moments of deliciousness.

But that doesn't mean I don't WANT to enjoy it.  I love it when someone else cooks the food and serves me.  Nice.  

And the cake...oh...the cake.  I can make a mean cake.  No mixes in this house.  Homemade chocolate cake - three layers - peanut butter mousse between layers - chocolate ganache poured over the whole thing.  Now THAT is something I cannot resist.   I'm tempted just writing about it.  

The words of my mother echo in the recesses of my mind...

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips." 

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."  

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."  

Oh, how true.

And, oh, how mad that makes me!

WHY?  OH, WHY, MUST IT BE THIS WAY??????

I thought that writing this down would make today easier, but it has appeared to only bring that chocolate cake to the forefront of my mind, thus making me VERY hungry.  Eggs and bacon aren't really sounding that good any more.  

Somebody, please help me!!!!!!

What's Worse?

Thought for today:

Is it harder to prepare foods for others... hold, chop, stir, and smell

delicious foods YOU CAN'T HAVE???

Or is it harder to sit and watch others eating these things YOU CAN'T HAVE???

I can't decide.

But both options are ones I'd rather live without.

Dieting would be much easier if I lived alone on a deserted island.

Why is it so hard to get off and so easy to put on?

Yesterday, I weighed in at 1.5 pounds UP from last Sunday. Haven't even weighed today yet. Afraid to.

I have made it 20 days without cheating ONCE, drinking a HALF GALLON of water EVERY day, and exercising about 5 days a week. Enjoying my nordic poles. Had to splurge and get new sneakers and orthotics - feet hurting too much.

My sister-in-law is on the same warpath, struggling to beat the same enemy. Her daily battle gives me inspiration. Certainly no one in THIS house can relate in any way to what I am going through. It is hard to be alone in this fight. Knowing someone else is trying too makes it somehow easier and gives me more willpower to do it. Of course, she isn't hungry. I am hungry much of the time. I just think some people are that way. I eat high fiber, drink the water, etc., but it doesn't work. My mom says my dad was hungry all the time he dieted, which was for the last 20 plus years of his life. So maybe it's a gene. Anyway, the hunger makes this miserable.

And when I'm not hungry, I feel deprived. Don't get me wrong - I actually LOVE a plate of roasted veggies and turkey...or spicy black bean soup. My foods are delicious. Believe me, if I'm going to eat some calories, they better be good!!! So, it's not that the foods aren't good. It's just that they are not what I really want.

But what I really want will not leave me filled (as in full).

It's just that what I actually get to eat doesn't leave me fulfilled.

Supposed to be an "up" day, but...

January 1. The day of resolutions and hope.

But, for some reason, I feel discouraged today.

Maybe it's because of the reflection in the mirror. I can LOOK and instantly see that there

are excess pounds that need to come off. Even my face shows it. It's never been an "anorexic looking in the mirror and seeing what isn't there" with me. I KNOW it is what it is. And it's excess weight.

Did my BMI yesterday. Comes back "OBESE". Nice.

I can't wait for this weight to come off!!!!

I just hope what I am planning to do will actually work.